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This isn't a post about why it is right or wrong to smack kids, it is something that goes far deeper within oursociety.
I've read a bit about the call to make smacking children illegal in Australia. Like all opinions people are free to make up their own mind. Isn't this what most parents do when they are bombarded with John, Dick and Doris telling us what we really should be doing? We don't have to do what people say, generally parents back themselves and do what is right for their family and for themselves. (Which reminds me I have a great vlog that I will put on the blog about a women stopping me to tell me a thing or two about my parenting, because you know she has a two year old son and all - stay tuned for that one).
Anyway... there is a thing called a personal blueprint. I know this because this is what my parenting counsellor Wang talked about with me when I started seeing him nearly 4 years ago.
I was at the end of my tether, the final straw came when I threw a meal on my daughter because she was not eating her dinner, I had a new baby and I wasn't coping. I was horrified with myself. I was scared of myself for doing what I did. I did not know what else to do and I wanted to know what else to do. I couldn't keep doing that.
For all this time Wang and I have been working on my parenting tool box. It's about knowing what to do or not what to do next. It's sort of a box of tricks in your mind to know what to pull out to keep my kids within a safe boundary and to keep me in check. I realised subconsciously before our first session that I was doing what I thought I should have done by smacking etc but I didn't want to do that any more. I didn't like what I was doing. I knew I needed to work on myself and make a change.
That is called working to change your blueprint. We often replicate our upbringing, because frankly that is all what most people know. Most people don't question it and keep doing what they have always done. I like morning fresh detergent cause Nonna Fran has always used it, I am brand loyal. People can be loyal to their upbringing as well.
The caveat here in my upbringing is the times I remember being smacked I really did push my parents to their limit, my behaviour was disgusting, ahhh so sorry Mum and Dad. I don't blame you. I also realised you probably did not know what to do after you had done everything else. I know how that happens because I do it myself.
I think I am less of a smacker these days and I am pleased I am changing my personal blueprint because I am learning other ways to teach my children and also to keep myself in check. I sometimes get very, very angry and my reaction is more of a statement of my frustration than the kids behaviour. So, like I said I am still learning. It's progress and that is good.
If anyone thinks their parenting is perfect, seriously, have a good look at yourselves. You know there are things you've done or said that you wished you hadn't. So please don't rip me a new body part if you choose to comment here on this post, I wont' be responding to trollish comments either.
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But, this is the thing....
All this discussion about outlawing smacking. The government appear to throw money around for so many things that do not give bang for buck. If you want to change the culture you need to invest in the culture. You don't invest by chucking money, you invest like you do with your relationships, with time, mentoring and teaching, practical help, empathy, opportunity and also the facilities to help people be better. If you just launch money without assurances for quality, what is the point?
If some parents got to experience what help I have got with my years of working with Wang (because I am still working with him, each stage brings new challenges) things could be better for their families and for their children. Parents could learn to keep a tight boundary around their kids behaviour so smacking doesn't need to be part of the equation. They could build their own toolbox and know what weak points they need to work on within themselves.
But you'd need a lot of money to get the opportunity to do what I have with my parenting counselling (he has a farm and Mr Nutshell is convinced he should be on the title). Here is the crux, I believe I am worth the investment, I do without other things, because my kids are worth it and a happier home is an investment. I want to be happy and I want to do the best I can by my children and I want them to be emotionally, physically and mentally happy little buggers now and as adults without hang ups and issues. I want this and I am trying hard to achieve it.
What of the others who can't access this help and guidance? Let's just drag them into court and make life even harder. Isn't it about time our government and community gives more ongoing support than just the mental health plan for the small amount of sessions allowed? Change could be affected with a larger impact for the future than spending it in the legal system. Is this too pie in the sky?
Why can't we support systemic change? If the premise is that parents should be able to bring up their children without smacking, well why not help them to learn this with greater support? It's a big ask, so we could go the easy route instead, by saying it is illegal. It doesn't sound right.
Different people will have different views based on their own experiences about physical abuse, however my point is why can't we change the blueprint early on, instead of waiting for problems within families that are then replicated by the next generation?
If we help parents help themselves inroads can be made into emotional, physical and sexual abuse that happens all around us, every stinking day.
What are your thoughts on helping parents?
